First day visitor

This is part of my journal about my 40 day meditation marathon

This evening I was hanging on my couch as a meditation. I was tired from working, but felt relaxed. With my hands on my belly I sank into the pillows. Ah, at home.
Than a visitor came. It sat on my hand and bit me. A mosquito! In the middle of cold rainy Dutch November.
It was big, like the Asian ones.
It is buzzing around me. Eating my hands, feet.

It brought me back to my first meditation retreat ever. I was 20. It was in India, Bodhgaya. The hardest things of that retreat were not my obsessive thoughts or my changing emotions, no it were the mosquito's that I was not supposed to kill. Although they were all over me. My instinct was too big. Before a thought could stop me I already hit the poor animal. Dead. No peace. War.

Yes, later in the retreat I realised that I did the same with my thoughts. Instinctively I killed them.
A new thought came: I could be light. Raised my hands and hit it hard: nonsense. Bang.
A sincere thought: I am love. Bang: too soft.
A deep thought occurred to me: I am not the one who thinks. Crazy! Kill it.
Sitting with mosquito's, can be as sitting with yourself. I killed new thoughts before they could itch.

And now 13 years later I look with wonder at this strange, not expected visitor. I raised my hand, but stopped on time. No war. Peace. Let it itch.